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User talk:Sagew1
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 15:34, September 15, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:21, September 15, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 16:22, September 15, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story There are quite a lot of issues here. As these issues are present in both stories (including the one you re-uploaded), I would suggest spending a lot more time revising and reviewing your story as these errors really weigh down the story. A final note, this is not a comprehensive list of the issues as there are dozens of types of errors here and to outline them all would take hours. I suggest using the writer's workshop for your next story (link above) as a lot of these problems are the basic fundamentals of writing. Capitalization: You fail to capitalize "I" a majority of the time. "The only answer I have is so they aren’t judged like the rest of us, hell, i’m not even that bad of a person.", "I mind my own business, and don’t get involved in drama, but i’m still targeted.", "This case was one very challenging to complete, as i’m still looking for the convict.", etc. Please note that these issues were found in the first two paragraph but continue throughout the story. Capitalization cont.: You also forget to capitalize other proper nouns and the start of dialogue. "each crime committed has been across america (America)", "They simply replied with a smart attitude, “fine, old man.”", "I went to the mcdonalds by my house", etc. Format: You need to space out dialogue so two speakers to prevent misattribution and improve story flow. Take this exchange for example: "It said “ You passed, congratulations, you probably have no idea what’s going on, but trust me you will soon find out. Your partner, died for a good cause. Just like all the other people killed in this. The main reason I am, well, we are, talking to you about this is because, you seem to be so strong. “ I replied with a grit through my teeth, “Where is the kid, where is he!” I screamed. She, well, they, replied with “Kid? What kid? We only had you and a older boy who just graduated college.” I said “The blonde kid? The one you left in the bush?” and they just said, “We didn’t have anyone else, you must have been hallucinating. Anyways, we did this to test how strong you were, for a government program, that was the whole point for the murders and ect.”" Punctuation: A majority of your dialogue is improperly punctuated. "“Nothing, the only lead I have is him being bullied in his time at school.(should be a comma)“ said Detective Jones", "my daughters got a ballet recital and I got a date with my wife, see you tomorrow.(,)“ said", " I simply muttered(comma/colon missing) “ See ya, good luck being the family dad. “", "I said(comma/colon missing) “Yeah, I should be getting home.”", etc. Punctuation cont.: You improperly use apostrophes with possessive words/contractions. "The dog was found dead in the living room, presumably attacked by the robber, in which the dog saved the survivor(apostrophe missing)s life.", "my daughter(apostrophe missing)s got a ballet recital and I got a date with my wife", "It was growling and barking it’s (its, as its=possessive, it's=contraction) ass off.", etc. Spacing: You also randomly include spaces between quotations which is incorrect. "I simply muttered “ See ya, good luck being the family dad. “", "here’s a simple riddle : The faster you run", "I replied with “ A young man has reported murdering a few people around this city, and some links have had your fingerprints on weapons used", etc. Spelling: "that was the whole point for the murders and ect. (etc. as it's an abbreviation for et cetera)", "he would have killed me, but this guy 0had nothing to do with the original murders I have been trying to crack case wise.", etc. Wording: Awkward wording. "There has always been something about me, rather it’s being different, or just liking reading more than sports.", "Very cliche, in my term.", "This case was one very challenging to complete, as i’m still looking for the convict.", "I quickly let off a warning shot and he kept running so I shot him near the shoulder.", etc. I'd suggest reading the story aloud to yourself and note areas that feel awkward or stilted. Story issues: There is a lot of unnecessary information here that doesn't really impact the story and comes off as padding. Lines like this: "I also have many different styles clothing wise. I usually dress normal, but sometimes I dress a bit fancy." feel out-of-place. Areas that deserve more focus come across as rushed through: "I opened my door and got the mail before reading, upon realizing there was a note in it, again, folded, addressed to me. Upon opening it, the note said a few words, you are closer, good luck - y.s. Realizing the murderer was at my doorstep, pissed me off." and " I walked out of the office, and after seeing about fifty officers and guards breaking down the door, I let out rounds upon the door. I felt hot, sticky breath on my neck, and I turned around only to wake up and realize I was asleep. I opened my eyes only to see a figure breathing in my face, and then a knife lunged into my chest, it all went black as I spiraled into darkness, I could only hear people rushing past me saying, just breathe, just breathe honey it will be ok." are the best examples of times when you need to slow down, be more descriptive, and build up the scene.) Story issues cont.: This doesn't feel very well-researched with lines like: "I let out a sigh and finished answering emails and finding clues and notes." and "I walked out of the office, and after seeing about fifty officers and guards breaking down the door, I let out rounds upon the door." First off, 'finding clues and notes.' needs a lot more explanation as it currently feels like a throwaway line ('I was doing detective stuff') and it comes off as odd that this detective breaks protocol a number of times, firing multiple warning shots (sometimes in the explicit direction of people). Combined with the perceived lack of research, this makes it feel out-of-place and counter-intuitive to the story. Story issues cont.: There are other plot issues here, but this is getting to be pretty long and since I feel like the story needs a total re-write to salvage it, I'm going to wrap it up here. You tend to use the protagonist being knocked out or passing out a lot in the story. Lines like: "I was knocked out for what seemed like forever." and especially this section where he randomly passes out, "The man heard it for sure and started to turn and run, I shot three warning shots into the sky before I blacked out.". I would strongly suggest using the workshop for your next story as there are quite a lot of other issues present in your writing currently that need to be addressed if you want to improve. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:21, September 15, 2017 (UTC)